Anyone Order Spaghetti?
by Trivette Lover Heather
Summary: Lets see how Hawkeye does when he's in command...Response to one of HawkeyesMartinis challenges...


Response to Challenge # 8

From Hawkeye's Martini

By- Trivette Lover Heather

Title: Anyone order Spaghetti?

Rating: G

**Daily / Weekly Report**

**MASH 4077th, Korea**

**Tuesday October the 14th to the 21st 1951. **

**Captain Pierce returns from leave in Tokyo, to be over taken by the epidemic which was spreading through camp. He was greeted by commanding officer, Lt. Col. Henry Blake at arrival. Summary of Details follow:**

Hawkeye practically tripped catching Henrys fall.

"Radar!" Captain Pierce yelled, leaning back, about to fall over himself.

I raced over as I saw the limp body of the Colonel in Hawkeye's arms. Plus I always obey an order.

"Yes Sir? Holy Cow...him too sir?"

"Will you get a stretcher before he flattens me into a pancake?" He stumbled backwards a few steps then finally decided in his infinite brilliance to lay Henry on the ground. Although after a few minutes of holding him up, it was more like a drop on the ground. Followed by at thud.

I came running with the stretcher terrified. "Is he dead sir?"

"No Radar, he's just unconscious, like the rest of this dang camp...I leave for two days all hell breaks loose...get him on a bed will ya?" He waved his hand.

"Uh yes sir." I replied, whispering to the Colonel as me and another man lifted him onto the stretcher. "It's alright sir, Captain Pierce is back sir, you'll be alright sir."

Captain Pierce walked into post op, and then incidentally, he walked right back out.

"Radar!" he hollered again and I came running.

"Yes sir?"

"I feel like we've done this before."

"What sir?"

"Never mind...what the heck happened while I was gone, did we get poisoned by North Korea?"

"Oh no sir, there were no North Koreans near here sir."

"Radar, I was being sarcastic."

"What's that mean sir?"

"Look, I need you to get on the horn, and get everyone alive in camp to meet in the mess tent."

"Yes sir."

**--Captain Pierce began to asses the situation as soon as possible. Colonel Blake was placed in the ward with the others and would regain consciousness within a few hours. Captain Macintyre along with Majors Frank Burns and Margaret Houlihan had also fallen prey to the epidemic. IT seemed the cause of this sickness would be determined at the meeting called by Captain Pierce for the remaining non-sick people in the mess tent. Summary and details follow:**

The Captain hadn't even thrown his bags into his tent before he was greeted by a body falling on top of him. What he'd give to be back in Tokyo.

He searched the camp for his partner in crime, (Capt. John Macintyre) but he was nowhere to be found, not even Major Frank Burns had survived the epidemic. He decided it was time to re-enter post op...

He slipped a mask on and took a stroll through the germ infested ward.

"There were no survivors."

He began barking out orders to anyone who would listen...or could for that matter.

He retreated to the mess tent to be greeted by three other personnel.

"There's three more of us sir, but they couldn't get away from sick duty."

Igor grinned standing up.

"Thank you Igor." Captain Pierce waved for him to sit down. "Alright...now, I may not be fully recuperated yet, but I can put two and two together. We got a camp full of sick people and one of the not sick people is the cook...now will someone tell me, what in God's name did you eat?"

"On accident, we got some spaghetti and meatballs sir..."

"On Accident? What? The truck going to the garbage dump miss its shipment and drop it off here? Alright alright...look...I need every able hand in post op."

"Uh sir?"

"Yes."

"Are you in charge now?"

Hawkeye scratched his head. "I don't know, that's not important, just get to post op...Go, get outta here."

"Radar!"

"Yes sir?"

"Am I in charge now?'

"Uh, well, with the Colonel, both Majors, and Trapper sick, yes sir you are!"

"What does that mean Radar?"

"Means you're in charge sir."

"Alright...take note...I hereby declare this war over...once every one is well, we go home!"

He exited the tent, leaving me behind still writing the order. "Wait...uh...sir..."

**--See attached order, page 3. By order of Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce. The events which followed are as followed:**

He headed to CO's office, grabbing his fishing cap and taking a seat behind his desk. I followed close behind.

"Sir?"

"Yeah yea?"

"I need you sign off on the order you just ordered sir."

"Radar will you quit calling me sir."

"I can't sir...it's against regulations...you're the superior officer..."

"I'm in charge right?"

"Yes sir"

"Then take down this order...no one of superior rank may be called sir, but only by their first or last name, in which case will be null in void if in fact the last name of the persons being named, last name is 'Sir."

"Yes sir—uh sorry sir... I mean...oh boy." He sighed. "Will there be anything else?"

"Uh...could you call around see if we can get any more doctors...in case we get any wounded...?"

"I'll call around and see if we can get any more doctors, just in case we get any wounded in." he rambled, then exited the office.

"Uh huh." Hawkeye nodded, and then headed back into post op to check on his camp.

**See also Page 4 for second order concerning the ending in Sir or Sirs. This report has also been done in concordance with order three which states: to only sign one daily report a week.. As such, this daily report is the first of those which are now weekly reports in response to the third order of Captain Pierces command. The events of the days are as follows, though not in detail due to the fourth order given, which states no daily report may be more than one page in reading length for saving time purposes: ( see order 27)---**

After a few days, the epidemic had seemingly passed. Though during this time, Hawkeye had moved Major Burns things to a tent on the outskirts of camp, (see order 5) requisitioned 42 bottles of scotch, (requisition articles 1-42) tried to change the camps number from 4077th to 911, ( see order 12) and redecorated the officers club with pictures of Major Frank Burns vomiting. (See example picture, page 14)

**Copies of all orders during Captain Pierces command are attached and numbered by pages. Most orders were rescinded by order of Lt. Col. Henry Blake, returning to full health as commanding officer. The order to rescind Major Burns back to normal quarters took some time, but eventually was rescinded. The order to instate a proper grammar and language speaking class for all enlisted men has not been rescinded. The once a week course, will take place once a month in the officers Mess. Major Burns has been reestablished as Major after being demoted to Private by Captain Pierce. ( see order 22) **

**The spaghetti was the chief cause of the epidemic and has since been thrown out. Spaghetti has since been stricken from the mess tent menu (see order 17) till the end of the war and thereafter. **

**All orders taken by Captain Pierce are being reviewed by HQ or rescinded by CO Henry Blake, and no follow up by I- Corps or Military Police is necessary. **

**Details of daily/weekly report are concluded. Though Daily reports will return to normal standing as soon as the beginning of next week begins. **

**End of Daily/Weekly Report**

**-Captain (see order 45) Walter O' Reilly**

**  
Signed 'Acting Commanding Officer' **

**MASH 4077th**

**Colonel ( see Final order, 46) Pierce**


End file.
